Insomnia Nags at the Voids

Up late again with insomnia. Watching Family Guy on my couch, contemplating the air conditioning; can I afford it?? Not really. Being self-sufficient kind of sucks sometimes. Just got a drunk call from my "Dream Boy" but still have no idea why. Usually we talk about guns and books but tonight he asked me a bunch of weird questions about him...I think he was looking for some kind of validation. I'm terrible at validation. There's so much I'd love to say but I'm sure I never will.
Last night I got a drunk call at 3 am; different guy, different intentions. Regular occurrence.
Spent the weekend with my sister because I'm tired of being everyone's psychologist.
Sometimes I feel so fucking insecure about my social life; it's like it's always hanging by a thread...I'm either the third wheel, or hanging out with someone that's adopted non-mutual feelings for me, or getting drunk with people that I could really give a shit about and I know the feeling is deadly mutual.

I have no intention on developing a significant compassion for anyone new because I'm about to flee my life and start anew. Like anyone that's been single for as long as I have, I long for affection and mutual passion...but fuck that. It feels weak to want it. Even when I had it I denied it's access and landed myself in the "friend zone" which is safe and secure to me. I would rather be friends with a million perfect boys than ruin one good relationship. Although I'm madly impressed with the fact that I've managed to discover near perfection already at 24 without even looking, I refuse to pine. I wonder if he wonders why.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't believe that if you find the person that fits your picky criteria, you should drop all aspirations to endeavor further. I like him from afar. I feel like he's more of a fantasy than a reality. An enigma. And every boy I meet validates that further.
I keep trying to fill a void... but I have confidence that one day it will be filled correctly. Maybe not forever. I honestly don't believe that humans were meant for monogamy. I'm the most loyal friend in the world, but put me in a relationship and I start to feel cluster-phobic. But at least once in my life and for a fairly extended amount of time, I will feel fulfillment in the way I seek...

In the meantime I have to juggle a precarious social life and hope that from time-to-time I can have fun and forget about all the distracting depths of my thoughts and escape my isolated life. In a few months life will start over. Just hold on to the limbo...embrace it, don't hate it. And try to get some fucking sleep.

Welcome to Your Twenties

Dear Young Person,
Congratulations for making it this far in your exciting endeavor through existence. If you've successfully reached this point in your journey, it can be assumed that you've achieved the following:
Discovered spiritual contentment, formed a solid self-esteem, concluded that you know exactly who you are and exactly what you want out of life, accomplished social success within a healthy group of peers and formed a solid relationship with your family; particularly your parents.
We'd like to congratulate you on all of your hard work and loyal service, and we're sincerely excited to invite you into the next transition.
Welcome to your 20's! The following decade will be an ever-challenging one, and if you're lucky, the best years of your life. You have or will soon reach your intellectual maximum. Your body is physically at it's peak; visually, and as far as strength, agility, ability and health. You can recover quickly from illness and injury and your senses and memory are sharp and attentive. These attributes will be essential to your success throughout the following years.
Now, you're probably wondering what's in store for your near future; you're expected to do all of the following things successfully, according to your parents, society and ultimately, yourself:
If you are male, your orders are as followed: Finish a post-high school education, find a well-paying career that you can excel in, find a beautiful girl to court politely and eventually marry, purchase land, marry the beautiful girl and pro-create children in a safe and secure environment.
If you are female, post-high school education is optional but recommended, since your best route to marriage is through a college environment. Find a healthy male with a good career, allow him to court you politely while you maintain the upmost standards of femininity and strength, pro-create, and begin your transition into the next decade, where you will be required to raise children; healthy, intelligent and stable.
Elaboration on each point will be continued in the following texts.
A few tips before you proceed:
Vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Don't hesitate or question. Ambition is the key element to a successful 20's and without your head in the right place, you will be unable to perform your tasks in a timely manner. Remember the phrase, "Eyes on the prize".
Do not question authority; authority knows all and has established this life plan for you, with your best interest in mind. Mistakes are going to happen, but keep them to a bare minimum. Self-discipline is essential.
Don't waste time. Young people have a tendency to ponder issues, plagued with the immature symptoms of idealism. If you waste too much time pondering and questioning, you will find yourself left behind in the dust, and the world is very competitive.
Steer clear of the "intangible". Love is something you can create through time; looking for the "perfect" mate is simply a method of avoiding the inevitable. True friendship is also an intangible ideal. Friendship should only be pursued to the point of social advancement. "Intuition" is yet another intangible that should be avoided. Keep to the plan and achieve goals. The "instincts" you're hearing are simply temptation, testing your strength.
"Fun" is also an intangible. Getting good grades during your education, courting your mate, getting the job you sought; these are the things that should make you happy. Avoid time-wasting activities such as watching too many movies, finding unproductive hobbies, spending an excessive amount of time with friends. Most importantly, avoid mind-altering substances such as alcohol. It will only poison you and simultaneously give you a false sense of contentment, followed by years of regret.
These years will be rewarding and exciting, and rest assured, if you stick with the blueprint created for you, you will be very successful. Please proceed by completing the intelligence and personality assessments to follow, so that your plan can be elaborated upon, according to your results.