Last night I got a drunk call at 3 am; different guy, different intentions. Regular occurrence.
Spent the weekend with my sister because I'm tired of being everyone's psychologist.
Sometimes I feel so fucking insecure about my social life; it's like it's always hanging by a thread...I'm either the third wheel, or hanging out with someone that's adopted non-mutual feelings for me, or getting drunk with people that I could really give a shit about and I know the feeling is deadly mutual.
I have no intention on developing a significant compassion for anyone new because I'm about to flee my life and start anew. Like anyone that's been single for as long as I have, I long for affection and mutual passion...but fuck that. It feels weak to want it. Even when I had it I denied it's access and landed myself in the "friend zone" which is safe and secure to me. I would rather be friends with a million perfect boys than ruin one good relationship. Although I'm madly impressed with the fact that I've managed to discover near perfection already at 24 without even looking, I refuse to pine. I wonder if he wonders why.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't believe that if you find the person that fits your picky criteria, you should drop all aspirations to endeavor further. I like him from afar. I feel like he's more of a fantasy than a reality. An enigma. And every boy I meet validates that further.
I keep trying to fill a void... but I have confidence that one day it will be filled correctly. Maybe not forever. I honestly don't believe that humans were meant for monogamy. I'm the most loyal friend in the world, but put me in a relationship and I start to feel cluster-phobic. But at least once in my life and for a fairly extended amount of time, I will feel fulfillment in the way I seek...
I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't believe that if you find the person that fits your picky criteria, you should drop all aspirations to endeavor further. I like him from afar. I feel like he's more of a fantasy than a reality. An enigma. And every boy I meet validates that further.
I keep trying to fill a void... but I have confidence that one day it will be filled correctly. Maybe not forever. I honestly don't believe that humans were meant for monogamy. I'm the most loyal friend in the world, but put me in a relationship and I start to feel cluster-phobic. But at least once in my life and for a fairly extended amount of time, I will feel fulfillment in the way I seek...
In the meantime I have to juggle a precarious social life and hope that from time-to-time I can have fun and forget about all the distracting depths of my thoughts and escape my isolated life. In a few months life will start over. Just hold on to the limbo...embrace it, don't hate it. And try to get some fucking sleep.
I love that you are an insomniac it seems so beautifully fitting to me that you would be. I think the only answer to "filling the void" is yes, you get lonely, and yes you need human companionship, but it never fills the void. I think the best you can do in the terms of a relationship is to find your best friend, to not have high idealized standards of love and to give up... I meant mostly everything but the last part of giving up. Of course, I come from a standpoint of hopeless romanticism and high ideals. So maybe you should have more ideal of romance? I wonder if your love of simultaneous loneliness and innate need of people will ever be satisfied. I found I needed someone who was immune to my powers. Mike doesn't need to be championed. He doesn't need a constant boost (whether it comes to his morale or his ego), as i had given to all the other relationships I'd had. I think you should think in terms of what you can live with. Is there anyone you could stand to have around all day? I mean anyone. It seems that would be the highest ideal of all, and thus the greatest idea of romance. It is for me at least. I found someone who doesn't make me want to throw up from being around them. He has no incurable faults. He's like me in that he's almost as scatterbrained and tolerant of me, and I think that is the loveliest blessing of all. I think it's easy to love anyone. I think the real trick is loving someone you like.
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