Gold and Blue Butterfly Wings

Today I took my little soldier dog on a walk around the neighborhood in an attempt to wind us both down for the night. We strolled past perfectly manicured lawns and potted pansies, 2 story houses with earth colored siding and driveways filled with new cars. It seemed as if every other house once belonged to a friend or their parents, andthe sights brought back memories. I started to feel claustrophobic; not so much because of the memories as most of them were good and involved friends I still love dearly...but the houses, the trees, flashbacks of my past, the tight streets and barking dogs...we turned a corner and within a matter of seconds, the weather turned from warm, bright and sunny to windy and overcast.

The clouds were low and the sun was still setting, the mature trees were whipping around in the wind and the tulips looked like they were getting run through a washing machine.

Moody weather in Arizona and Utah is unlike most places I know; there is this amazing energy in the air that feels so heavy and intense. Like the Earth is very much alive and you are so small; the equivalent to the tulip rooted to the ground along the white picket fence.

At the end of the street is a small split in the fence and an open field on the other end. A large field with dark, green grass, followed by a deserted playground surrounded by cattle farms..the perfect place to let my dog off his leash and the perfect place to take my shoes off and feel the grass on my bare feet. I released Riley and sprinted across the field with bare feet, squishing the moist ground in my toes. It felt good to run and feel the wind and the grass and the humidity. To my right is Wasatch Front; it separates Utah from Colorado with the giant, rugged Rocky Mountain Range.

The whole experience caused a strange epiphany in me which seems almost unrelated to the silly sprint through the grass with my short-legged Scottish Terrier lagging behind (stopping to smell the flowers)...

When I was 18 and first dating my ex-husband, we were trying to get to know each other but between our work schedules, my school schedule and our distance, it was hard to find the time. One night I was sitting in his car outside my front yard and he told me that he didn't feel like he knew me well...he wanted to know, beyond music, food and activities, what "makes you tick"... for a long time I thought I knew the answer, plain and simple. But in 7 years, the answer has evolved a million times and I always think the new answer is the right one.

Today I realized that every single th

ing that "makes me tick" falls under the same category:

I like my freedom.

I want a million friends and a million things to do on a Friday night.

I want to see the world and leave no area un-charted.

I want to try every single kind of cuisine,

hear every kind of music,

talk to every walk of life,

understand every complicated and basic concept,

learn everything there is to know,

see everything there is to see,

meet everyone worth meeting.....

In other words, I want to experience life.

With that being said, freedom is my biggest passion. You could also translate freedom into independence; but however you define it, it boils down to the opportunity of experience, and I refuse to pass one up.

This high-maintenance requirement in my brain has existed since the day I recall cognitive thought. I have always been an explorer, a creator, an observator, an experimenter and a questioner...this lifestyle is complicated, as much as it can be simple.

It's going to take a particular time in my life before I'm willing to surrender to a committed relationship. Right now, the thought makes my throat close up and makes my heart sink. Like the idea of being tied to one person is...

...a fate equivalent to jail time. I have always been boy crazy because it's part of the adventurous spirit. Along the way I have met quite a few inspiring and amazing boys that have forever dented my brain with enlightenment....but to choose someone to share this life ADD; impulsive, spontaneous adventure that is Katie's life...I propose that it could be quite impossible. I know a few people that could hang; at least to an extent. Those people will forever remain in my life as cherished friends and highly respected and adored by me. However, it would be selfish for me to lead anyone into a committed situation with the thriving need for exploration that I have. No one can hang well enough, because my path must be walked alone.

A lot of people look at me and understand the intense craving for independence that I have and wonder why the hell I joined the military. I feel like the answer is simple; how is the military holding me back? I will be provided a new and fascinating experience, be serving a significant purpose, have job security, be traveling, meeting tons of new people, and be granted the amazing gift of education; if I choose to become a doctor, I CAN now. I have the funds available to do so. If I decide to be an attorney, I CAN!! If I decide to travel the world as a photo journalist, what the hell is going to stop me!? If anything, this new choice has liberated me more...I am a solo girl. I don't want a family. If anything, I want a dog. But now is not the time. I can't even commit to a pet right now. My home is simply a place to lay my head before starting a new and exciting journey.

I am nervous for the upcoming events. I am leaving in 3 weeks and it is breathtakingly intimidating. I still have a lot of work to do. But the idea of a new change is the motivating factor. I have strayed away from the norm many times in my life and left many friends and family members behind for new experiences. Thanks to modern technology, I will always be able to keep in touch with those I want to. There are some people I will easily forget and some I will think about constantly.

I can think of at least 7 friends (one doubling as my sister and one being my step-dad) that would willingly visit me anywhere in the world if I requested. So my life is not ending. It's just getting another reset button; and this one is significant.

This unemployment and time with my parents, old friends and new friends has been truly amazing a soul cleansing. I have loved every second I spend with my parents, talking, eating and laughing. And my friends, as usual, bring me a great deal of elation. It's all been revitalizing and is motivating me even more to do the things in life that I must do to keep making myself tick.