Insomnia Nags at the Voids

Up late again with insomnia. Watching Family Guy on my couch, contemplating the air conditioning; can I afford it?? Not really. Being self-sufficient kind of sucks sometimes. Just got a drunk call from my "Dream Boy" but still have no idea why. Usually we talk about guns and books but tonight he asked me a bunch of weird questions about him...I think he was looking for some kind of validation. I'm terrible at validation. There's so much I'd love to say but I'm sure I never will.
Last night I got a drunk call at 3 am; different guy, different intentions. Regular occurrence.
Spent the weekend with my sister because I'm tired of being everyone's psychologist.
Sometimes I feel so fucking insecure about my social life; it's like it's always hanging by a thread...I'm either the third wheel, or hanging out with someone that's adopted non-mutual feelings for me, or getting drunk with people that I could really give a shit about and I know the feeling is deadly mutual.

I have no intention on developing a significant compassion for anyone new because I'm about to flee my life and start anew. Like anyone that's been single for as long as I have, I long for affection and mutual passion...but fuck that. It feels weak to want it. Even when I had it I denied it's access and landed myself in the "friend zone" which is safe and secure to me. I would rather be friends with a million perfect boys than ruin one good relationship. Although I'm madly impressed with the fact that I've managed to discover near perfection already at 24 without even looking, I refuse to pine. I wonder if he wonders why.
I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't believe that if you find the person that fits your picky criteria, you should drop all aspirations to endeavor further. I like him from afar. I feel like he's more of a fantasy than a reality. An enigma. And every boy I meet validates that further.
I keep trying to fill a void... but I have confidence that one day it will be filled correctly. Maybe not forever. I honestly don't believe that humans were meant for monogamy. I'm the most loyal friend in the world, but put me in a relationship and I start to feel cluster-phobic. But at least once in my life and for a fairly extended amount of time, I will feel fulfillment in the way I seek...

In the meantime I have to juggle a precarious social life and hope that from time-to-time I can have fun and forget about all the distracting depths of my thoughts and escape my isolated life. In a few months life will start over. Just hold on to the limbo...embrace it, don't hate it. And try to get some fucking sleep.

Welcome to Your Twenties

Dear Young Person,
Congratulations for making it this far in your exciting endeavor through existence. If you've successfully reached this point in your journey, it can be assumed that you've achieved the following:
Discovered spiritual contentment, formed a solid self-esteem, concluded that you know exactly who you are and exactly what you want out of life, accomplished social success within a healthy group of peers and formed a solid relationship with your family; particularly your parents.
We'd like to congratulate you on all of your hard work and loyal service, and we're sincerely excited to invite you into the next transition.
Welcome to your 20's! The following decade will be an ever-challenging one, and if you're lucky, the best years of your life. You have or will soon reach your intellectual maximum. Your body is physically at it's peak; visually, and as far as strength, agility, ability and health. You can recover quickly from illness and injury and your senses and memory are sharp and attentive. These attributes will be essential to your success throughout the following years.
Now, you're probably wondering what's in store for your near future; you're expected to do all of the following things successfully, according to your parents, society and ultimately, yourself:
If you are male, your orders are as followed: Finish a post-high school education, find a well-paying career that you can excel in, find a beautiful girl to court politely and eventually marry, purchase land, marry the beautiful girl and pro-create children in a safe and secure environment.
If you are female, post-high school education is optional but recommended, since your best route to marriage is through a college environment. Find a healthy male with a good career, allow him to court you politely while you maintain the upmost standards of femininity and strength, pro-create, and begin your transition into the next decade, where you will be required to raise children; healthy, intelligent and stable.
Elaboration on each point will be continued in the following texts.
A few tips before you proceed:
Vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Don't hesitate or question. Ambition is the key element to a successful 20's and without your head in the right place, you will be unable to perform your tasks in a timely manner. Remember the phrase, "Eyes on the prize".
Do not question authority; authority knows all and has established this life plan for you, with your best interest in mind. Mistakes are going to happen, but keep them to a bare minimum. Self-discipline is essential.
Don't waste time. Young people have a tendency to ponder issues, plagued with the immature symptoms of idealism. If you waste too much time pondering and questioning, you will find yourself left behind in the dust, and the world is very competitive.
Steer clear of the "intangible". Love is something you can create through time; looking for the "perfect" mate is simply a method of avoiding the inevitable. True friendship is also an intangible ideal. Friendship should only be pursued to the point of social advancement. "Intuition" is yet another intangible that should be avoided. Keep to the plan and achieve goals. The "instincts" you're hearing are simply temptation, testing your strength.
"Fun" is also an intangible. Getting good grades during your education, courting your mate, getting the job you sought; these are the things that should make you happy. Avoid time-wasting activities such as watching too many movies, finding unproductive hobbies, spending an excessive amount of time with friends. Most importantly, avoid mind-altering substances such as alcohol. It will only poison you and simultaneously give you a false sense of contentment, followed by years of regret.
These years will be rewarding and exciting, and rest assured, if you stick with the blueprint created for you, you will be very successful. Please proceed by completing the intelligence and personality assessments to follow, so that your plan can be elaborated upon, according to your results.

Anchors Aweigh

On February 1st, 2010, I swore into the United States Navy...
Everyone asks me why I did it...Every time someone asks me, it encourages more thought; why did I do it? I contemplate the answers and find more each time.
I have always wanted to join, since I was 18.
I love the discipline, the structure, the conradery, the fighting spirit.
Some people think America is tyrannical and war-hungry. It is their freedom and right to think that as well as express it, and I will contribute in my own ways, through the armed forces, to protect their right to free speech among so many other freedoms that we are entitled to according to our Constitution.
I see America as forever seeking peace and humanity and if you don't believe that, view our history and WHY we go to war.
The philosophy of war is a simple and true one; sometimes you have to fight fire with fire....or at least have the fire there if necessary.
If I die, that was my fate.
If I live and hate my experience, that was my fate. And my bad attitude.
I foresee years of service, commitment and a lot of satisfaction to correspond.
I like the idea of staying healthy, drug free, physically fit.
I like being challenged and having high expectations set by others and by myself.
I want to see the world, but not as a tourist.
I want to get an education.
If I love the military, I will give them more years of service as a commissioned officer once I complete my educational degree; hopefully in biological science.
I want to be forced to socialize and work in a team; because I'm terrible at it, and I need to improve.
I want to work hard, play hard and live near a coastline
I want a reason to feel like I'm contributing to something other than a daily grind.
I don't want a hand-out. I want to earn everything I have.
Ultimately, I just want a purpose. And here it is. Anchors Aweigh.

Lip Service

I hate, hate, hate the lip service. I'm so fucking over it.
All I hear, all day long is how fucking perfect I am.
"Katie, you're smart...
you're beautiful...
your personality is perfect....
you are everything I've ever dreamed about in a girl
I can't believe you exist."
Dear boy, Fuck off.
You're the 3rd one this week to say that
And the third one this week that ended up being a flake
and an asshole
you treat me like you treat every girl
and I'm not every girl.
Just like every other girl is not every girl.
I'm so fucking tired of being put in a box
I don't belong confined in any way
My expectations are so easy...
Just be yourself
enjoy my company
and I'll enjoy yours
soon I'm going to be gone
we're not having kids
just drinking beer and loving life
and doing spontaneous things
but no one wants that;
they want more or less
this is all I have to give,
and everything I want to contribute
Every time I hear nice words I cringe in fear for what's next
It's either obsession or negligence
And I hate both equally
I like rude guys because I'm a rude girl
but inside I'm still vulnerable
and I'd like to find a person walking this Earth
that sees how simple it is to please me
and wants to do so...
Because I have a whole lot to contribute
That's what I love to do

Alone in My Mind

For my whole life I’m alone with my mind
Socially awkward, legally blind
Most people like me in concept not fact
I’ve grown to be comfortable with that
My brain over works and the sleep never comes
I spend so much time in rhetorical slum
I hear words like dream girl and pretty and kind
But still I’m alone in my mind
As much as my heart has to offer the world
As much as I seem just a dainty little girl
Constantly viewed as an interesting twist
It’s so much to live with all this
I find common traits among people I meet
But their ability is to find a retreat
And those who don’t just let them get beat
But the strength is my drug and it’s still what I seek
Lip service falls short when looking for truth
It fills a small void until it is through
Everyone has good intentions at first
But it all fades away and it hurts
Again in my home away from it all
Divided I’m great, joined in I will fall
It puts my spirit in paradoxical bind
So still I’m alone with my mind
Insensitive, cold or stubborn of sorts
Ultimately protecting myself in this fort
I can’t bear to let someone else come confide
So still I’m alone in my mind
Ego has crossed with humility
Leaving a cold sense of irony
More friends than sense when I drink another beer
Boys fall hard and the girls are sincere
But still I go home feeling so fucking behind
And still I’m alone in my mind

When is it Enough?

Another Myspace Transfer...

Watching someone you love self-destruct and doing nothing makes you selfish.

Watching someone you love self-destruct and forever giving into their mindless indulgence is enabling.

Watching someone you love self-destruct, and showing them the way back, but then letting them do it themselves is a true friend.

And if you never see that person again, you know that it was never meant to be.

If love is costing you your sanity, then how can you know it's love?

When your love for another person is the main cause for the pain that bleeds your heart, you must choose between your own health and their temporary contentment.

Somehow between being raised by a strong, southern woman, a Marine for a father and having Irish written into the serial codes of my bones, I've learned to take pride and forever improve upon my personal strength. One of my best defense mechanisms is that I learned to become a radar detector, sensing when to give up on those whom I love, and managing the pain without letting it consume me. Watching a loved one self-destruct is one of the most painful things anyone will ever go through. If you're lucky, eventually they'll snap out of it before too much damage has been done. But luck doesn't always prevail in matters of personal choice. Once I had a friend, a soulmate. She was beautiful in every way. Her intellect was one of a kind. Evidence of her kind soul seeped out of her breath-taking Italian eyes. Musical talent was one of many charms she was blessed with. I was in awe of her. And I still am, in some ways in awe of who she was. But that person is gone, and I have moved on. My ex, Bret, has asked me, as he was there to witness it, how could I make such a clean break? I left because I had to. She dragged me through the mud. She came to my house, strung out, asking for a place to stay, a shower, a toothbrush, food...my poor ass forked it over, not even thinking about the lack of food I myself was suffering from. I always hoped that eventually, she would snap out of it...clean up, ditch the abusive, racist asshole that showed his affection by hating her and possessing her. I thought she would use that potential that I admired and do something. But she never did. She just sunk further and further into her sister's path of hate. Hate for herself and hate for everyone around her that wasn't one of them. Eventually, after years of hurt and pain, watching her body fluctuate, her skin go pale, her eyes sink into her skull and her personality deteriorate, I realized, I couldn't help her. She didn't want to help herself. She was happy where she was, and that was that. I wasn't going to change her, I couldn't help her, and I would never stop her. I weighed the good and bad and realized that she wasn't worth the pain. Any time I was around her I hurt. And any time she WASN'T around me, she was hurting...so I cut the ties. Clean break. Stopped answering her calls, stopped caring. How much help are you willing to give to someone who can't and won't help themselves? I'm facing the dilemma again...a cute, charming guy...my little brother in law. I love him. But I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. He's hurt me too many times. He's caused too many restless nights, too much anxiety, too much pain, too much anger, too much money. And most people agree...but to those who don't, those HOPELESS ROMANTICS that think that everyone can change with enough love and patience and TLC...I'm telling you...some people are just a lost cause! Some people, no matter WHAT you do, you're only turning yourself into a bigger sucker...and if that hurts, then you KNOW what you have to do. Stop procrastinating and do it. The sooner you do, the less it hurts. Is it worth your sanity, your health, your OWN relationships to be lead on by false promises? I've decided again, that it's not.

Addiction is Your Glamorous Retreat

I closed my Myspace blog because Myspace sucks at life now...so I had to move all my blogs here...this one was written for a particular person, thus the ferocity. Glad I got that out of my system.

The word "addict" is such a broad term. It's used to describe so many things. The most common use for the word addict comes to mind regarding substance abuse...It's funny how much the word itself is abused! Sometimes, people will be on their 5th overdose, their 3rd trip to the hospital and their fourth trip to a rehabilitation center, and they still don't see that they are addicted. They say they have control, when really, they don't.
Then there are the others. For some reason or another, they think that addiction is glamorous or honorable. They think that it's something to define whom they are. Rather or not they take their definition to the next level and actually become the helpless, sick addict is another story entirely. Nonetheless, they like the image, they like the way addiction makes them feel...Personally, I believe such illogical opinions can only be caused by one underlying source: A desperate need for attention.
Dabbling in drugs a few times DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN ADDICT! And I would certainly hope that this would reassure and comfort you. Occasional drug use is simply that: Occasional drug use!
I am so fucking sick of people acting like they were once helpless drug addicts until they were awaken by the graces of God and....Lo and Behold; I'm cured!!!!!!!....sometimes, it DOES take the graces of God (or what's otherwise known as the power of your own consciousness) to cure a helpless human. But in the case of experimental drug use, it simply takes GROWING UP and re-prioritizing. No miracle was performed, just the simple brain mechanisms that evolve, thus causing mental maturity. The need to be high is an adolescent outlook. One of adventure, escapism, euphoria, whatever it is you're looking for. And IT IS tempting and alluring, even when you're trying to quit....THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A DRUG!!! But just because you've craved an illegal substance a few times and decided to say NO to your id, doesn't mean that you're having some amazing fucking breakthrough, that you just went through such HARD times and came out a winner....Fuck that! You simply said NO to a craving, just like when you turn down a hamburger when you're watching your diet!
I have lost a good friend and a step-brother to full-blown addiction. Both of these people were hurting. They were living in their own private, permanent hell, and medicating the pain with powerful street drugs....and it was working just fine...until they ODed. They both knew that this would be their demise. They were intelligent, quiet, intellectual, intriguing people...with too much helpless pain to prevail....That's an addict!
Drug abuse is obviously NOT a good thing, and if you beg to differ, come work in the ER for a night and see what a little overdose can really do! Real life shines a different light on the fairy tales! I didn't even need to get this job to know how fucking shitty drugs are...I've witnessed it in my own life. However, I would never judge an occasional drug user...if you aren't putting others in danger, I don't give a fuck. But if you plan on prancing around a few days later, telling a sob story to anyone who will listen about your triumphant return to sobriety, then perhaps you should check yourself in...not to rehab, but into psychiatric evaluation...fucking crybabies!
Next time all you wannabe addicts are looking for attention, try to fucking EARN it!