Anchors Aweigh

On February 1st, 2010, I swore into the United States Navy...
Everyone asks me why I did it...Every time someone asks me, it encourages more thought; why did I do it? I contemplate the answers and find more each time.
I have always wanted to join, since I was 18.
I love the discipline, the structure, the conradery, the fighting spirit.
Some people think America is tyrannical and war-hungry. It is their freedom and right to think that as well as express it, and I will contribute in my own ways, through the armed forces, to protect their right to free speech among so many other freedoms that we are entitled to according to our Constitution.
I see America as forever seeking peace and humanity and if you don't believe that, view our history and WHY we go to war.
The philosophy of war is a simple and true one; sometimes you have to fight fire with fire....or at least have the fire there if necessary.
If I die, that was my fate.
If I live and hate my experience, that was my fate. And my bad attitude.
I foresee years of service, commitment and a lot of satisfaction to correspond.
I like the idea of staying healthy, drug free, physically fit.
I like being challenged and having high expectations set by others and by myself.
I want to see the world, but not as a tourist.
I want to get an education.
If I love the military, I will give them more years of service as a commissioned officer once I complete my educational degree; hopefully in biological science.
I want to be forced to socialize and work in a team; because I'm terrible at it, and I need to improve.
I want to work hard, play hard and live near a coastline
I want a reason to feel like I'm contributing to something other than a daily grind.
I don't want a hand-out. I want to earn everything I have.
Ultimately, I just want a purpose. And here it is. Anchors Aweigh.

Lip Service

I hate, hate, hate the lip service. I'm so fucking over it.
All I hear, all day long is how fucking perfect I am.
"Katie, you're smart...
you're beautiful...
your personality is perfect....
you are everything I've ever dreamed about in a girl
I can't believe you exist."
Dear boy, Fuck off.
You're the 3rd one this week to say that
And the third one this week that ended up being a flake
and an asshole
you treat me like you treat every girl
and I'm not every girl.
Just like every other girl is not every girl.
I'm so fucking tired of being put in a box
I don't belong confined in any way
My expectations are so easy...
Just be yourself
enjoy my company
and I'll enjoy yours
soon I'm going to be gone
we're not having kids
just drinking beer and loving life
and doing spontaneous things
but no one wants that;
they want more or less
this is all I have to give,
and everything I want to contribute
Every time I hear nice words I cringe in fear for what's next
It's either obsession or negligence
And I hate both equally
I like rude guys because I'm a rude girl
but inside I'm still vulnerable
and I'd like to find a person walking this Earth
that sees how simple it is to please me
and wants to do so...
Because I have a whole lot to contribute
That's what I love to do

Alone in My Mind

For my whole life I’m alone with my mind
Socially awkward, legally blind
Most people like me in concept not fact
I’ve grown to be comfortable with that
My brain over works and the sleep never comes
I spend so much time in rhetorical slum
I hear words like dream girl and pretty and kind
But still I’m alone in my mind
As much as my heart has to offer the world
As much as I seem just a dainty little girl
Constantly viewed as an interesting twist
It’s so much to live with all this
I find common traits among people I meet
But their ability is to find a retreat
And those who don’t just let them get beat
But the strength is my drug and it’s still what I seek
Lip service falls short when looking for truth
It fills a small void until it is through
Everyone has good intentions at first
But it all fades away and it hurts
Again in my home away from it all
Divided I’m great, joined in I will fall
It puts my spirit in paradoxical bind
So still I’m alone with my mind
Insensitive, cold or stubborn of sorts
Ultimately protecting myself in this fort
I can’t bear to let someone else come confide
So still I’m alone in my mind
Ego has crossed with humility
Leaving a cold sense of irony
More friends than sense when I drink another beer
Boys fall hard and the girls are sincere
But still I go home feeling so fucking behind
And still I’m alone in my mind

When is it Enough?

Another Myspace Transfer...

Watching someone you love self-destruct and doing nothing makes you selfish.

Watching someone you love self-destruct and forever giving into their mindless indulgence is enabling.

Watching someone you love self-destruct, and showing them the way back, but then letting them do it themselves is a true friend.

And if you never see that person again, you know that it was never meant to be.

If love is costing you your sanity, then how can you know it's love?

When your love for another person is the main cause for the pain that bleeds your heart, you must choose between your own health and their temporary contentment.

Somehow between being raised by a strong, southern woman, a Marine for a father and having Irish written into the serial codes of my bones, I've learned to take pride and forever improve upon my personal strength. One of my best defense mechanisms is that I learned to become a radar detector, sensing when to give up on those whom I love, and managing the pain without letting it consume me. Watching a loved one self-destruct is one of the most painful things anyone will ever go through. If you're lucky, eventually they'll snap out of it before too much damage has been done. But luck doesn't always prevail in matters of personal choice. Once I had a friend, a soulmate. She was beautiful in every way. Her intellect was one of a kind. Evidence of her kind soul seeped out of her breath-taking Italian eyes. Musical talent was one of many charms she was blessed with. I was in awe of her. And I still am, in some ways in awe of who she was. But that person is gone, and I have moved on. My ex, Bret, has asked me, as he was there to witness it, how could I make such a clean break? I left because I had to. She dragged me through the mud. She came to my house, strung out, asking for a place to stay, a shower, a toothbrush, food...my poor ass forked it over, not even thinking about the lack of food I myself was suffering from. I always hoped that eventually, she would snap out of it...clean up, ditch the abusive, racist asshole that showed his affection by hating her and possessing her. I thought she would use that potential that I admired and do something. But she never did. She just sunk further and further into her sister's path of hate. Hate for herself and hate for everyone around her that wasn't one of them. Eventually, after years of hurt and pain, watching her body fluctuate, her skin go pale, her eyes sink into her skull and her personality deteriorate, I realized, I couldn't help her. She didn't want to help herself. She was happy where she was, and that was that. I wasn't going to change her, I couldn't help her, and I would never stop her. I weighed the good and bad and realized that she wasn't worth the pain. Any time I was around her I hurt. And any time she WASN'T around me, she was hurting...so I cut the ties. Clean break. Stopped answering her calls, stopped caring. How much help are you willing to give to someone who can't and won't help themselves? I'm facing the dilemma again...a cute, charming guy...my little brother in law. I love him. But I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. He's hurt me too many times. He's caused too many restless nights, too much anxiety, too much pain, too much anger, too much money. And most people agree...but to those who don't, those HOPELESS ROMANTICS that think that everyone can change with enough love and patience and TLC...I'm telling you...some people are just a lost cause! Some people, no matter WHAT you do, you're only turning yourself into a bigger sucker...and if that hurts, then you KNOW what you have to do. Stop procrastinating and do it. The sooner you do, the less it hurts. Is it worth your sanity, your health, your OWN relationships to be lead on by false promises? I've decided again, that it's not.

Addiction is Your Glamorous Retreat

I closed my Myspace blog because Myspace sucks at life now...so I had to move all my blogs here...this one was written for a particular person, thus the ferocity. Glad I got that out of my system.

The word "addict" is such a broad term. It's used to describe so many things. The most common use for the word addict comes to mind regarding substance abuse...It's funny how much the word itself is abused! Sometimes, people will be on their 5th overdose, their 3rd trip to the hospital and their fourth trip to a rehabilitation center, and they still don't see that they are addicted. They say they have control, when really, they don't.
Then there are the others. For some reason or another, they think that addiction is glamorous or honorable. They think that it's something to define whom they are. Rather or not they take their definition to the next level and actually become the helpless, sick addict is another story entirely. Nonetheless, they like the image, they like the way addiction makes them feel...Personally, I believe such illogical opinions can only be caused by one underlying source: A desperate need for attention.
Dabbling in drugs a few times DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN ADDICT! And I would certainly hope that this would reassure and comfort you. Occasional drug use is simply that: Occasional drug use!
I am so fucking sick of people acting like they were once helpless drug addicts until they were awaken by the graces of God and....Lo and Behold; I'm cured!!!!!!!....sometimes, it DOES take the graces of God (or what's otherwise known as the power of your own consciousness) to cure a helpless human. But in the case of experimental drug use, it simply takes GROWING UP and re-prioritizing. No miracle was performed, just the simple brain mechanisms that evolve, thus causing mental maturity. The need to be high is an adolescent outlook. One of adventure, escapism, euphoria, whatever it is you're looking for. And IT IS tempting and alluring, even when you're trying to quit....THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A DRUG!!! But just because you've craved an illegal substance a few times and decided to say NO to your id, doesn't mean that you're having some amazing fucking breakthrough, that you just went through such HARD times and came out a winner....Fuck that! You simply said NO to a craving, just like when you turn down a hamburger when you're watching your diet!
I have lost a good friend and a step-brother to full-blown addiction. Both of these people were hurting. They were living in their own private, permanent hell, and medicating the pain with powerful street drugs....and it was working just fine...until they ODed. They both knew that this would be their demise. They were intelligent, quiet, intellectual, intriguing people...with too much helpless pain to prevail....That's an addict!
Drug abuse is obviously NOT a good thing, and if you beg to differ, come work in the ER for a night and see what a little overdose can really do! Real life shines a different light on the fairy tales! I didn't even need to get this job to know how fucking shitty drugs are...I've witnessed it in my own life. However, I would never judge an occasional drug user...if you aren't putting others in danger, I don't give a fuck. But if you plan on prancing around a few days later, telling a sob story to anyone who will listen about your triumphant return to sobriety, then perhaps you should check yourself in...not to rehab, but into psychiatric evaluation...fucking crybabies!
Next time all you wannabe addicts are looking for attention, try to fucking EARN it!

I Love it When You Bleed for Me, Baby

Picture this:
Some chick and some dude meet…it’s all very touching and sentimental…their endorphins, hormones and all the other required chemicals start releasing in record amounts, interacting and causing crazy emotions and physical feelings within each victim…..blah, blah, blah…who gives a fuck about the details; you’ve heard this story a million times and probably even experienced it a few times in your life….everyone LOVES a love story…but we like to hear the less scientific one (not that I have any such expertise, of course.) We like to hear about the romance, the incredible connection, the conflict, the spiritual enlightenment, and all the other commonly noted side-effects to this thing we call “falling in love”…and it’s all well and good and usually with the best of intentions.
So here’s my beef with love stories…you know the ones where one person threatens their life, or swears they can’t go on, or harms themselves over the loss of the other…? Can someone explain the intrigue and utter acceptance of such a behavior!?
Example…boy falls in love with girl, girl falls in love with boy. Then, after a few scenes, girl falls out of love with boy. Next scene, boy feels her drifting. So what does he do? Threatens suicide…then suddenly, he wins girl, and they live happily ever after…? What the fuck?
If some dude I was dating weighted his quality of life based on my presence, I would feel the overwhelming urge to either punch him in the face, based on principal alone, encourage his demise, as he obviously doesn’t value life anyway, or perhaps I would pity him and buy him a lizard…or find a dog at the pound…to keep him company until he pulled his head out of his ass.
I had a friend once; her boyfriend stabbed himself in the leg when she dumped him in her mom’s kitchen. He bled all over the place and the paramedics came. She was crying, he was crying and it ended in happy reunion. Needless to say I failed to empathize with his femoral artery nearly being severed, and that quickly severed my friendship…but I don’t feel that I’m cold or insensitive…in fact, far from it!! However, if your behavior and thought process is consistently performing under your mental capacity, I have no intention on coddling your stupid cries for attention. The fact that people do allow and enable the 6 year old temper tantrum in a grown adult with a butcher knife makes them just as guilty and stupid as the asshole manipulating them with suicide. DO IT, PUSSY.
Another annoying love story scenario involves the "odd couple"...two people, nothing alike and you would NEVER expect them to fall in love. But, they do, and it's fabulous and tear jerking and alludes to the beautiful theory that true love really DOES exist and that love is blind...
In the movies, it's the Dharma and Greg story...oblivious hippie chick and uptight attorney, but they somehow make it work. Or, the CEO of a large company and a hotel maid find love in the utility closet and shortly thereafter, find TRUE love at the alter.
Really....I never question the logic in a love story, because once I start that pattern, it's a train wreck, and the DVD is soon to fly out my balcony.
But the tragedy behind this scenario is, fact really is stranger than fiction... How many cases of hot school teachers hooking up with teenage boys have you heard over the past decade? And what about the incredibly intelligent, wealthy scientist with a supermodel wife that never learned to spell her name because she was simply too beautiful to lift a pencil and apply her intellectual side? Or...what about my mother and step father; my mom, being an anti-social, domesticated girly-girl, who likes to crochet and do crosswords, while my step dad is a Marine until the day he dies; fearless, extroverted, would rather have a beer than a meal...how those two have made it 18 years, I will never know! That they have yet to completely maul each other like a couple alley cats is, in fact, somewhat inspiring...but fairytale? Naaaaah.
I suppose this rant makes me sound somewhat insensitive or bitter toward the concept of love...the truth is, I totally am! But not for obvious reasons. I have never suffered from terrible heartbreak, but I presume that even if I did, my resolution would not be self-inflicted harm...I am bitter toward the over-commercialization of love and the emphasis on people's dependency toward the "other half" Why can't you be your own "other half!?!" I mean, seriously...the only thing I can think of that a shallow, empty relationship can fulfill that you personally can't fulfill for yourself is sex with someone OTHER than yourself...
After spending the last 2 years of my life single, and barely dating, I've acquired this personal theory that everyone should experience the single life, and everyone should live in solitaire...at least for a few months of their lives...get to know yourself. Don't depend on another half-person to fill your void! This is all empty words and useless lecturing from a 24 year old chick and holds no credentials whatsoever...but put the disclaimer aside and observe all the fucked up relationships in your life...of all the people you know that are in some form of a committed relationship, how many of them are really useful versus totally inconvenient?